Thirteen reasons why chilled me to the bone but not for the reasons some might think. For me this series was more than just a netflix original dealing with teen suicide. For me to fully explain, I need to go back about 8 years. 8 years ago, I sought solace in the shelves of the library. I was struggling and not only did I not realise it, no one else did. I needed to find comfort, and I found myself flicking through 13 reasons why desperate to find someone, fictional or real, who knew what I was feeling. Who could relate to what I was going through. I never finished the book, and it wasn’t until the 13 reasons why netflix series showed up that I thought about it again. At that moment, it was like I was thrown back to when I was 14 years old. At this point, I felt that I owed it to the author to read the book I started all those years ago. Now I have read the book watched the series, and I feel like it has an intimate relationship with my life.
In 2015 I was in a deep depression. I stood on a 3 story house and wondered ‘is this high enough?’, I looked at the medicine cabinet and wondered ‘how many would I have to take?, I stood on train platforms and considered what would happen if it failed. Needless to say I’m still here. I’m still here, largely because I was scared to fail. My fear of living stopped me from dying. It’s a little ironic, don’t you think?
Part way through the year Mum found my journal. I wrote down my darkest thoughts in that journal and many of them detailed a deep longing to die. But that wasn’t the whole truth. I didn’t want to die per se, I just wanted the pain to end and the only way I saw that happening was by ending it all. When Mum found that journal, we went to the GP (whom I had seen for some antidepressants previously and discussed a psychiatric admission) and confirmed that a psychiatric hospital admission was well worth the time. I credit that admission with saving my life. Before that admission, it was only a matter of time before I at least attempted my own life.
Having completed 13 reasons why, I am left with nothing but gut wrenching guilt. I am riddled with guilt, absolutely ashamed that I nearly put my parents through something that no parents should ever need to face. At the time, it seemed like I was a burden on them, a stain on the family photograph. While I did have friends, I (mostly) didn’t see them as a good enough reason to stick around. I was probably more of a nuisance than friend anyway. I did have one friend that helped pull me through, and although we don’t talk anymore, at the time she was my lifeline and I was hers. I had never considered the ripple effect and how, if I had taken my life, that it might have had more impact than I previously imagined. So I am sorry. I am deeply apologetic to my family and friends and everyone I could have hurt by ending my life.
I would like to say that I am recovered, and I’m living the life I want to live. But the stark reality is that this is not the case. While I am no longer as suicidal as I was back then and I can better manage the thoughts when they do come, I am now fighting Anorexia Nervosa. However, recovery from mental illness is not an easy path. In fact, killing myself probably wouldn’t have been easier. But had I taken my life in 2015 I would have missed out on so many great things. So here are 13 reasons why I’m glad I didn’t:
An appropriate place to start would be my 21st Birthday. I was discharged from hospital the day before my 21st. I celebrated with a dinner with my family and my two closest friends. It was truly a time of celebration, because it wasn’t just my birthday it was also proof that I had survived the darkest time of my life thus far. To be surrounded by people who cared about me, eating food I loved in a restaurant by the water. It sounds cliché but for a moment, I was able to forget my struggles and simply be.
If I had ended my life before going into hospital, there are a lot of people that I would have never met. One girl in particular Kaitlin (who I met during my admission at St Vincents hospital), continues to inspire me even though we only talk from time to time. Kaitlin is one of the most beautiful girls I know, and true beauty is not skin deep. True beauty lies at the soul. Kaitlin has overcome incredible odds and fights every day, but her radiant smile and caring nature brightens every room. Her positivity, in spite of her circumstances, provides me with a beacon of hope that I too can live a life filled with joy even if I never truly recover. Kaitlin finds joy and beauty where others miss it. She inspires hope and generosity in everyone that is lucky enough to know her. She has truly changed my life, even if she doesn’t realise it.
Thirdly, I got to experience freedom and see the world on my own. There’s something incredible about travel. Especially when it is unplanned. It is like a choose your own adventure novel, only real. I saw places I didn’t know existed, I saw places I had always dreamed of and I learned more about myself and my capabilities than I had ever before. I met new people, listened to their stories and came out more worldly for it. I met a lady who’s dad arrested Ted Bundy, We met two Austrian expats in Morocco who opened a restaurant and was passionate about providing quality food for reasonable prices, and most importantly I met a friend whom I had been speaking with over Facebook while in London, but who she is isn’t important…yet.
Reason four is a bit smaller than the others, but it still deserves a mention. For those of you that know me well, you will know that I am a die hard Harry Potter fan. While I was overseas, of course I went to all the Harry Potter locations including the WB studio tour and Platform 9 3/4. However, on one of my final days in London as I was getting my morning coffee the Barrister told me that Daniel Radcliffe would be going into BBC broadcasting studios about 15 minutes thereafter. This lead me to get my first photo with a celebrity, and I couldn’t think of anyone better apart from maybe JK Rowling herself.
The fifth reason why I’m glad I didn’t was, if I had killed myself, I would never have graduated with my Bachelor of Science. I have always taken pride in my intelligence and placed a huge amount of importance on education. The day I graduated I was so damn happy because I knew the battles I had fought just to get to where I was. Seeing my parents and my Nanna beaming from the audience as walked across the stage and doffed my cap with the deputy vice-chancellor warmed me to the core. The fact is, seeing them proud of me is something I’ve always wanted.
This time, wasn’t easy by any definition of the word, I was in a clinic for eating disorders when I got some of the best news I’ve gotten. It was the 14th of October. I spent to day obsessively checking my emails. Anxiety was through the roof. Today was they day I found out whether or not I got into the Doctor of Physiotherapy program at the University of Melbourne. I remember it was lunch time and there was yet to be a new email in my inbox. We had all sat down and were waiting on the nurse to signal that it was appropriate to start eating and I thought I’d check one last time. By this point I had all but given up hope. But, there it was. An email from the University of Melbourne. A wave of relief rushed over me and I remember like it was yesterday the support and cheers I got from the staff and other patients. It was a truly memorable day and just thinking of it brings joy to my heart. So that was reason number six. If I didn’t stick around, I wouldn’t have been accepted into my dream course.
There’s something special about the bond you make with those you meet in treatment. You meet when each of you are at your most vulnerable and you see each other through some of the toughest times, sometimes just days after meeting each other. I met some special people in my admission at the eating disorder clinic. Many of whom I still keep in contact with. They are all the kindest, most compassionate and intelligent people I have ever met. There is a mutual understanding that comes only from meeting under these specific circumstances, you connect with peoples true selves and from that blooms unparalleled friendships. While I might not talk to everyone I was in treatment with all the time, there is not a day that goes by without them crossing my mind at least in passing, and sometimes lingering. So, if I met you in my admission at the eating disorder unit, you’re part of reason number seven.
Reason number eight, kind of parallels reason number five, only instead of freedom travelling I moved out. I moved to a new city to start afresh. This meant that very few people knew my history with mental health. I wasn’t the girl that went to the psych ward, I was just Holly the girl from Sydney. It also gave me the freedom of living life the way I wanted. Not only did I get my own space, it also meant that my relationship with my parents improved. When living under their roof, a lot of time was spent helicopter parenting. I understand they were worried but the more they encroached the more I pushed them away. Now, with the distance between us, I actually enjoy catching up with them during our regular phone chats.
Now, remember that girl I met in London? Well she’s reason number nine. Sometime at the end of 2015 I started talking to this girl on tumblr. I remember looking at her profile and realised that we were scarily similar. We both loved books, loved Harry Potter, were both struggling with mental illness and were both Australian. Once that conversation started it flowed so naturally. Soon, we were talking not just on tumblr, but Facebook too. In September 2016, it just so happened that we would both be in London. So we met up. Two Australians, one from Brisbane, one from Sydney met for the first time in London. Her name is Nicky. Nicky and I met at the station, and we spent the day sight seeing, shopping at Camden Markets and getting to know each other. All I knew then was, this girl seems pretty cool and I’m glad we met up. A few months later I was up at the Sunshine Coast, only a short drive from Brisbane. So Nicky decided to drive up and we spent the day together again. We went to the Eumundi markets, a lovely walk around Noosa heads, and just hung out. It was like we had known each other forever.
About a month or two ago, Nicky did one of the bravest things I could ever imagine. She confessed that she had developed feelings for me. I had been feeling the same way and so it was decided, she would come to Melbourne and stay with me and we would spend the weekend together and see if the friendship we had online, could be something more. When she came down we clicked just as we had before and decided that the long distance thing, might just be worth it. So now, I have an amazing girlfriend whom I never would have met had I decided to take my life.
So we’re nearing the final few reasons I’m glad I didn’t and reason number ten is doing my first fun run as an adult. I did some fun runs that were really fun walks as a kid but I had always considered myself not a good enough runner to even think about participating in a fun run. However, with all the proceeds going towards the Royal Children’s Hospital, how could I not participate in the run. The morning of the run was about 12 degrees, with wind and rain. I very nearly didn’t show up. Though I braced the cold in my running shorts and singlet and was ready to take to the track. I even surprised myself. In the gym, I often struggled to run just 3km, and here I was facing 5km. Turns out, I didn’t do half badly. In fact I finished 47th out of 651 female runners aged 19 to 24 and I’m pretty damn proud of myself.
Sticking around also allowed me to participate in the world’s largest Teddy Bear Hospital fundraising event as a teddy bear physiotherapist. This was so much fun that it made the top 13 reasons I’m glad I didn’t kill myself. It was so great working with all the children and seeing them light up with joy when I massaged teddy’s leg so that he could play in the playground with all his friends. It was a wonderful day for such a wonderful cause and the ‘Good Friday Appeal’ collectively rose a record breaking $17,605,662 for the Royal Children’s Hospital.
Reason number twelve is that sticking around for a bit longer meant that I got to see the growth of my relationship with my sister. Growing up we were constantly fighting. A large reason for this was the five and a half year age gap between us. This meant, that for a lot of my childhood, we had very different needs and hers often required more attention. It wasn’t until recently that our relationship has moved passed the sibling rivalry and into one I would consider a friendship. We still fight here and there, but I feel connected with her more than I ever did before. This, is one of the best things that staying around has given me.
Finally, it is learning how many people truly do care about me. I came to learn this in two ways. The first was when I was open about my mental health struggles on Facebook and received nothing but undying love and support, and the second was at my graduation when many of my friends popped by to say congratulations. However, I look back now and realise that the people who showed support on these occasions were always there, I just didn’t see them through the fog. Now I make note of the little things, and I realise that so many people do care about me and they show it every day. Sometimes it’s a cat video from my Mum, other times its when my house mate does the cleaning because she knows I’m stressed out of my mind. At the end of the day, people care, and if you look through the fog of mental illness, you’ll find them.
So there you have it, thirteen reasons why I’m glad I stuck around, and if you stuck around to read this far, I’m blood proud of you because this was one long post. If you ever think that ending your life is the only way to make things better, I promise you it isn’t, because even though I’m still struggling I’m sure glad I didn’t end my life, because life is beautiful; it isn’t perfect but it sure is an incredible gift.
Music has been a huge part of my life and as a result, my recovery. I often look to music for a place of peace and emotional connection. Music is the language of the soul. There is a rawness and vulnerability to music that simply cannot be expressed through other means. To me music is a breath of fresh air, a temporary oasis where I can look for comfort. So I thought I’d put a list of all the songs that have helped me at different points in my journey through mental health.
To or not let go 